Is teen me proud of future me?
My 28th birthday reflection
Welcome back to Sweater Vest, a newsletter about fashion, pop culture, and feelings. It’s been a while. Today is my birthday! I’ve always had complicated feelings about my birthday. While birthdays are conventionally about celebration, I also associate this time with expectation. This often manifests as the pressure to celebrate, the fear of not having a perfect time, and the preoccupation in my mind over who remembers to say happy birthday—something I’m admittedly bad at myself.
Above all, my birthday has been a time for pondering the expectations I have for myself and my life.
We’re nearing the one-year mark of Sweater Vest, and I felt compelled to share my birthday thoughts with you via this newsletter—unedited, rambly, and honest. As I continue my journey through my late 20s, I wanted to share the lessons I’ve learned and the feelings I’ve experienced with some of my closest confidants. I’m leaning heavily on the feelings, but it’s my birthday, so I can do whatever I want. ;)
As you’re reading this, I want you to know that I value my connection with each and every one of you more than you might realize. It’s not lost on me how incredibly privileged I am to have so much support in my life from people who love me for being me.
P.S. Send me a message today! I would love to hear from you as I celebrate another year around the sun.
It’s 2014, and I’m 17. I’m deep into One Direction. I spend lunch periods watching music videos with my best friends, stay up until 2 a.m. scrolling through stan Twitter before it was even called that on my secret iPod Touch, and use the school laptops to buy concert tickets while my English class discusses Hamlet. On early morning drives to school, I play the Take Me Home album on full volume.
My heavy investment in boy bands also leads to a lot of time spent on Tumblr. Between pictures of Zayn Malik and silly gifs of Harry Styles (mind you, I was foolishly and desperately trying to be straight back then), I’d find myself on blogs run by other teenagers. We shared some commonality—Filipino American, obsessing over college admissions, probably closeted too. But by and large, we were more different than similar. They posted their Supreme hauls and palm tree pics, while I had American Eagle and cornfields. They were in well-choreographed dance groups, while I could barely stay on beat in marching band. To me, they had swag, and I simply did not.
Back then, such imagery was my motivator. I printed out my reblogged feed and turned it into a vision board before I even knew what a vision board was. Framed above my desk, where I meticulously annotated poetry for English class, was my collage on a corkboard. I had pictures of California sunsets, my favorite streetwear brands, and a myriad of cheesy inspirational quotes. Mixed in were pinned to-do lists, outlining everything I needed to complete in my high school schedule, symbolizing the path forward to ensure I’d live the life I wanted—to be better, to be cooler.
Ten years later, Liam Payne is pronounced dead in October. That day, it hits me all at once that my childhood is over, and it has been over for quite some time. It’s 2024, and I’m 27. On clear evenings, I sometimes take a picture of the sunset from the hills of San Francisco. Most days, I wear my favorite work pants from Stüssy. Without fail, I write daily to-do lists to outline what I need to complete now that I’m an adult.
Another singer who defined my younger years was Lorde. Pure Heroine perfectly embodied my teenage angst. To this day, I still dance to “Ribs” alone in my room when I need a little pick-me-up. A few weeks ago, she posted on Instagram with the caption, “Is teen you proud of future you?” It’s a question so befitting, as it’s been on my mind for the past few years.
I often wonder what it would truly be like to meet my teenage self—not only how younger me would react to older me but also the other way around. What would I tell myself after all these years? Surely, I would have tons of questions for me!
Many of you know that I am not a fan of surprises. I continue to work on my desire for control and certainty. That said, I don’t think I would tell teenage me all the details. I’d keep it affirming but vague. I’d let him know he should be proud of himself. We achieved our dreams from the vision board, hard work paid off, and I can honestly say I’ve grown for the better. But achievement didn’t happen in the ways I expected it to. Throughout the journey, we could afford to be a little less hard on ourselves. We don’t need to try to be better or cooler—just more ourselves.
As I delve deeper into my late 20s, a future me would also tell teen me that life is about living in contradiction. There have been moments this year when I’ve been happier than ever while simultaneously feeling more absolutely heartbroken than ever before. I’ve had to learn that two things can be true at the same time and that sitting with those contradictions can be healthy, positive, and help me take things in stride. Sometimes things are just different, not better, and that’s okay. It’s not about being cool; it’s about being more genuine with yourself.
Twenty-seven was a big growth year for me because I focused on healing my inner child. This unfolded in many dimensions. I tried new hobbies and returned to old ones. I kept myself busy—perhaps too busy—and I learned more about what matters to me. All of it had really high highs and utterly low lows. This year, I posted monthly favorites on Sweater Vest, but I eventually stopped around October/November. Truthfully, it stopped being fun because I was scared of being cringy and focused on writing to perform. Doing so made me realize I need to stop hiding myself and allow myself to be more vulnerable and unpolished.
If 27 was about making amends with the past, my biggest hope for 28 is to live more authentically. To me, that means understanding my true values and aligning them with my actions, choices, and relationships. At 28, I want to focus on building a life that feels meaningful, not just impressive, and finding joy in being unapologetically myself—an imperfectly perfect queer kid with Midwest ambition. That’s what I think teen me would be proud to see—not someone entirely different from him, like those kids on Tumblr, but the same person, living the life he always wanted in ways he couldn’t have imagined.
All the best,
Christian